Goodbyes and Stuff

Alright, the title of this article sucks. I never really had a knack for naming things anyways (but I did have a knack for alliteration). Anyway, I wanted to discuss this issue because it really pisses me off. Let me set up a scenario so you can follow along. Okay, so your at a party drinking wine coolers or stoli-o's or whatever gay shit my readers drink. I drink guiness, pussies. So your friend's brother, for example, is gonna pick you up soon, says your friend, so you say goodbye to everybody. Now there are a few ways to say goodbye. I usually just leave and hope everybody was so drunk they don't notice if I say goodbye or not. The next best thing is the group goodbye. Just yell out goodbye really loudly and keep nodding to everybody as you leave. So yo say goodbye and leave the house and just then your friend says, "hey, ummm, my bro isn't gonna be here for like ten more minutes." And its always for some stupid excuse: "yeah, my bro needed to jerk off real quick before he got us. He got really turned on watching BBC America and needed a minute." So now you can stay out in the cold or go back in and deal with the most awkward moment ever. If you walk in, you always do that thing where you keep your head low and try not to talk to anybody. Now you are an outsider. You already said goodbye and it's like your some douche bag doing a crappy job crashing someone's party. You can't say hello or else you have to repeat your goodbyes and explain why you came back in, which sucks. You motion to everybody that sees you and do that little nod where you mutter some incoherent blurb about your ordeal. Either way, if they understand you or not, it's and awkward situation. Also, you do that weird dance where you don't know whether to take a seat or stand, so you move between the two. You think, "if I sit, he may be here soon. But I don't know how long till then...." And by now you don't have a bear so you're fiddling with shit with your empty hands. This is where the phrase, "standing with your dick your hand" comes from. You were probably just whispering to your friend, whose brother is gonna drive you two. You talked in the corner together and in no way looked really awkward doing. And the worst is when your ride finally comes you don't know whether you have to say goodbye or not, regardless of whether you reintroduced yourself. It's pretty much a shitty situation. I would recommend just leaving. Luckily for me I stay out in the cold because I'm not going back in that house for anything...unless I can steal some more food.

Rules for girls when watching porn with your boyfriend

These are rules for girls about their behavior when watching porn with your boyfriend. By reading this, I assume that you have already decided that you are cool watching with him and that nothing could possible go wrong. I want you to admit that's a huge lie. Girls get upset of small things such as toilet seats and missing birthdays. You might think it's fun but the real reason you are watching is to spy on your man and see what it is about you he doesn't like (tell me I'm wrong). But men are simple and combining sex with, well, sex doesn't seem like a bad idea. But since you agree to watch you have to follow some rules because your man doesn't know this is a trick and that's not fair. So, make your judgments, but keep them to yourselves; and follow these rules.
1. Don't ask us how on earth we can think that girl with the huge boobs is so attractive.
Men like boobs and she has a loot of boobage going on. End of story. I'm sorry that this makes you feel insecure in that area under your boobs (your heart). But if we cared about your heart more than your boobs, God would have put the boobs in the back.
2. Don't complain when we don't want to watch a scene with a guy in it.
I don't want you eying the star's wang, or the stunt cock for that matter. Me watching girls is different than you watching guys. You know this is true. Men are visual so we like porn. But girls are not and girls like people on a different level. Getting turned on to a guy is a lot more deep for woman so we don't want that. So shut up and watch Horny Lesbian School Teachers 19. Of course, they all went downhill after Jenna Jameson retired...
3. You are not allowed to ask if we saw this before and subsequently make fun of our extensive porn collection
Every single guy has porn. That is a definite. Your dad, your best guy friend, even your minister has porn (whether that porn is legal or moral is another question). If you want to watch our porn, then you have to realize that we have a lot of it. And yes, we are gonna watch something we like and probably have seen before so there are no twists. We don't want any shannagins happening that we don't know about. We don't want a goat showing up in the video or some midgets...most of the time
4. Don't talk to us during the porn
Yeah the story line sucks but it's a fantasy. Stop ruining the suspension of disbelief. All guys want to think that the girl he is selling his house to or the cop about to arrest him wants to have sex. We know it's not the truth but let us believe it. We lie to you and say you look nice all the time.
5. If I want to take over manual control (of my penis), then you sit there while I just watch without your help
You can pretend you are in the scene or make yourself useful and get some food. I just remembered how awesome this scene is and I'd rather take the lead from here.
Disclaimer: Kim, some guy hacked into my site and wrote this. I have nothing to do with this.

People who give out minimal amonts of change (Horrible Title, I know)

This something that I really need to address because I don't know if it's just me who feels this way. Most of the time, in any situation, it's usually only me who finds something funny. But I wanna run this by everybody. Okay, so here it is: You're on the road with your dad, maybe going to New Jersey (I don't know why), or Cooper's Town (or is it Coopers Town?). Either way, he sends you into a store to pick up some gum and maybe a pack of smokes (even though your only 8...). So you end up with a laundry list of ten items and he gives you a five dollar bill, and asks for change. And you're like, I don't even have enough for half those things. Of course you probably run out of the store while paying and he gives you one of those grunts/looks, perhaps he thinks you're pocketing the change, and gives one dollar more. I literally have done this four times until I could buy a buttered roll, some water, and a doritos. But the worst is when that five is enough and you come back to the car and your dad, or whoever, has the face that says, "I told ya."

Cool things to learn/pick-up/do right away during the summer

Alright, its been a while since I last posted because school's been nuts. Really, school has got to calm down and get over itself. But I figure I should start writing in my blog again because people actually say they read it, and what better time to start than finals week? Scratch that. I'm writing now because I'm desperately looking forward to this summer because something tells me that my first summer being in college is gonna be great. But I can't squander it by not doing anything, so Iv'e compiled a list of 5 cool things to learn/pick-up/do right away during the summer months so I can say that I did something with my summer.

5. Get a great Bob Dylan impersonation
Granted, impersonating Bob Dylan won't get you laid, but its a neat trick. Actually, if you do get laid doing this impression than you're not doing a good enough impression. But seriously, this would be a great thing to accomplish. Of course, I'm gonna have to learn all the words to some songs, and his lyrics can drag on. As another note, go by the name Robert Zimmerman and see if your friends catch on. If they don't know who that is and they just think you're a Jewish man with a crazy voice, then they're already half-way there.

4. Enter a vegetative state
School has been really hard. I pray for those days in high school when a tough week was two tests and maybe a quiz. Granted, choosing a bus for prom may have given me an ulcer, but high school wasn't all that bad. So to reclaim all the time in college that I've wasted doing homework and neglecting my XBox, I am really just going to sit in my bed for a week and not do anything at all. I mean I'll get up to go to the bathroom, get stuff to eat, and go to parties, but that's it. If I even have to look at a book, it's gonna be the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit magazine that, for some weird reason, I haven't been able to read in my dorm...(thanks, Matt). But what I'm really gettting at is that I need to relax, free my mind up, and resubsribe to some old sites(thanks, Matt, again). I hope you catch my meaning.
P.S. Matt is my roomate...who never leaves.

3. Start a cockfighting professional circuit
Okay, this has to be by far my best idea. I'd put it at number one, but I jsut thought of it and I don't want to forget it. So, I'll pretend its the third best thing. Anyway, how awesome would this be? Really freakin' awesome. I'm sure if I put an ad out on Craig's List that I could get at least one, maybe two people to come over. And it starts from there. From what I've heard, cockfighting is a word of mouth industry. Sooner or later I may jsut have to rent out an abandoned wearehouse to peddle my craft. Of course, the point here is to make money. Killing chickens is pretty fucked up. But if worse comes to worse, the cops find out and I get a fine. Still, that's not gonna happen. People may ask, where am I going to get all these chickens. My response, BYOC.

2. Doing every Where's Waldo Book
This has been a long time coming, ever since I was a boy. Finally, when I find that bastard and his gay Wizard friend in all of their hiding spots, I will have completed a childhood dream. "Hey, Jordan, do you know where Waldo is?" "Pseesh, yeah. Check out behind the treehouse." Of course, if I could somehow turn this into a party trick or something uselful, then this might actuall be worth doing. When I see a Where's Waldo book I can just say, "Yes."

1. Edit really obscure Wikipedia articles and see if people notice
How many term papers will this mess up?

So, that's my list. Of course, I may not do any of those things, except for finding Waldo. But that isn't the point. The point here is that, well, I guess there isn't one. I jsut put a whole bunch of random things in a semi-coherent list and hoped it was funny. So, that's the point, then.

What I would give up for Lent.

I know it's no where near Lent, but if stores are allowed to start selling Christmas items after Halloween then I'll just write my blog on this. I was thinking I should actually give up something for Lent this year. Although it has been rather hard lately, and by lately I mean my whole life, because I am more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I don't need a lot, and I keep everything pretty simple. But every now and then its nice to throw a fruit into the mix, just to jumble things up. And I meant it metaphorically- not an actual fruit. And by that I mean a gay guy. Anyway, I was saying that I do have a little bit of luxuries in my life from time to time. As a result, I am compiling this list of thing I can live without, which I will not have the patience to put in alphabetical order. The hope is that I can reason with myself as to what I should give up for Lent.

I know it's no where near Lent, but if stores are allowed to start selling Christmas items after Halloween then I'll just write my blog on this. I was thinking I should actually give up something for Lent this year. Although it has been rather hard lately, and by lately I mean my whole life, because I am more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I don't need a lot, and I keep everything pretty simple. But every now and then it’s nice to throw a fruit into the mix, just to jumble things up. And I meant it metaphorically- not an actual fruit. And by that I mean a gay guy. Anyway, I was saying that I do have a little bit of luxuries in my life from time to time. As a result, I am compiling this list of thing I can live without, which I will not have the patience to put in alphabetical order. The hope is that I can reason with myself as to what I should give up for Lent.

1. Give up loose women.
I am not saying all women, so stop that "You know how I know you're gay" joke right there. I just think that God would not want me spending $25 here in the Bronx for a quickie. Also, since I won't be buying any women, I can spend this time to reflect on my sins- and to save up money to buy a really nice harlot in the latter part of spring. You know, the kind of stripper you can kiss on the lips, like Julia Roberts, or you can just kill and leave in your hotel room. The choice is yours.

2. Give up recycling.
I include this on the list because I think it's a myth. I mean, I obviously believe in recycling, but I wouldn't follow it through the desert for 40 years if you know what I’m saying. What actually happens to all of that recycling? Some hippies get a shopping bag with a 100% Recycled sign on it. That’s really it.

3. Give up my religion.
This is like an ironic one. Could God really punish me for giving something up, even if it was believing in him? Yes. Yes, he can. But still, it raises a philosophical question. So, I guess that’s cool.

4. Give up euphemisms.
These widely accepted figures of speech just cover up the harshness of death or disease, all in an effort to put people at ease and make conversations a little less awkward. But I say, why not give it up? “Tommy, you’re retarded, not slow.” “Oh, and Mike, you had sex with her. I don’t want to hear about how you laid pipe.” I just think it would be a really cool experiment to start talking like that. Maybe people will respect the honesty. Maybe they won’t. Whatever the case, I think this will definitely end horribly.

Top 5 things that teachers do that drive me nuts

Every teacher, like every person, has their own little quirks and intricacies. But when you are in charge of people, those flaws seem to be a little bit more prevalent. So, in an effort to share my own feelings on the matter, I present the 5 things about teachers that drive me nuts.

5. Saying "I'm a hard grader" while laughing.
What they really mean here is that "I think all of your work sucks. No matter what you write, it cannot be as good as what I can write, or Hemingway, or Frost,; so if I gave you an A it would really hurt my status as the school douche." Now, I understand if you don't try hard and you get a meager grade. But if you work your ass off, meet with the teacher one on one, and do any sort of extra credit, you're still gonna get a B. Oh, and that B in Freshman English, a core class, while I'm a Bio major isn't exactly the coolest thing ever. In face, it drives me nuts.

4. Agreeing with kids when they are clearly retarded.
This makes me laugh all the time. How many times has some loony raised his hand during a discussion and said the stupidest shit you've ever heard? And the Professor doesn't have the balls to say, "Hey, Johnny, shut the fuck up if you ever wanna be called on again." But no, they twist what they say around until it has no resemblance to what the student said. Its actually funny to see just how good some teachers are doing it. The sad part is the stupid kid still thinks he was right.

3. Giving you preliminary essays to "get the feel for you."
Listen, if I wanted for you to get the feel for me, Mr. Jones, I'd go to Catholic School. Regardless that I do go to a Catholic School, why the hell do I have to write some meaningless essay? What feel can you possibly get? Can you sense just how much I don't want to write this essay, which does not count for anything? It's not like I have some signature style and prose that you need a freaking warm-up to get ready for my first essay. Next time, save the essay and I'll try to not freak you out too much on my real first essay.

2. Showing up 5 minutes before we are allowed to leave.
Some schools have a rule that you can leave if the professor does not show up for the first 20 minutes of class. This rule goes out to the assholes who show up after 18 minutes.

1. Forgetting I celebrate every Jewish holiday.
That's right, Mr. McDonnel, today is Shanah Tovah. And next week is Bar Mazvah. And the following week my Grandma is coming down (that's a holiday for Jews, by the way). So, I am afraid I cannot do any homework or take any tests for the next couple of weeks. I mean, It's not like I complain during Christmas, when you have a break. Actually that's a lie. The Sesame Chicken tends to be a little dry. Also, the schlepp to the movies...

Things that all guys have to know

Pretty self-explanatory. If you don't agree with any rules, email me and I'll show you why you're wrong: funnygerp03@gmail.com Also, email me if you have any additions.

1. Pitch a tent
a. With a blanket and some sticks.
b. With your pants.

2. Not know how to choose between two different outfits. This, of course, is about woman's outfits. Guys have one outfit: pants, boxer, jeans, shirts, shoes, tie (optional). Everything else is just a variation.

3. Understand that there are only certain instance in which you can cry:
a. Somebody dies.
b. Your favorite team wins/loses the big game.
c. You are on your period.

4. How weird is the second part of the first rule?

5. Be able to fight...drunk. And yes, practicing is recommended.

6. Never change what teams you like. If your a Browns fan, then that's it. Good luck next lifetime.

7. Ass slaps are cool, only if you are playing a sport, or the script falls for it.

8. Doing gay porno to get into straight porno is a means to an end.

9. Don't mention the last rule.

10. Deny that you farted...to the death.

11. Always know what teams are playing.

12. President Bush, although slightly retarded, would be a pretty cool guy to down beers with.

13. Know that natty lights are the training wheels of beer.

14. That college football should have a playoff system.

15. Hop-scotch is gay; four-square is cool.

16. What channel ESPN is on (on cable and DirecTV).

17. How to eat a sandwich without spilling any.

18. Make up excuses for why you are bending/sitting t0 hide your erection.

19. Know how to switch between to shows or games on tv.

Rules that I have made up. Whether you should follow them is still under debate.

Rule #1. Don't text and call me at the same time.

Rule #2. You can lose the right to say "that's what she said." You don't have to keep em' classy, but make sure they're funny. Oh, and every group of friends says this so don't think you are so original.

Rule #3. Velcro sneakers are cool... if you are old... and senile.

Rule #4. Sometimes stereotypes are true.

Rule #5. Do not get offended if I un-tag myself from a photo.

Rule #6. Assume all girls are under 18, unless they tell you or you refuse to believe they are not.

Rule #7. It's okay to not take notes in class, but don't act like tool and just sit there and not listen.

Rule #8. All men should know how to pace a shower.

Rule #9. Snuggling is all right...as long as its with your stuffed animal and in your own house.

Rule #10. Family-style meals are split 70/30 if you're eating with a fat guy.

Top five reasons why Facebook sucks.

Okay, now I'm sure everybody who will ever read this uses Facebook. That is unless you make up the small minority of trash that still uses Myspace. Myspace is like the McDonalds of networking sites. But that isn't to say that Facebook won't still ruin your life. Without any more ado, here it is:

P.S. Note to self. If you put the word "ado" without using the phrase "without further ado," people will have no idea what you are talking about.

5. People will be your friend.
Granted friends are great... for the most part. Virtual friends are even better: they don't come over and eat your food and you don't have to see them when you don't want to. But the problem comes when you are friends with someone on Facebook and kind of friends with them in real life. And when I mean kind of friends I mean people you may nod to or say hello to in the hallway. But now that they are your Facebook friends they think that means you are real friends. If that were true than Tom from MySpace would already be president. As it is, it just means that crazy girl from my English class now feels the need to discuss my favorite movies.
On another note, I sometimes act like that crazy girl– mixing up virtual relationships with real ones. She says she wishes she could make her life a limited profile for some people.

4. Bumper stickers
I fucking love bumper stickers. And that's the problem: people love them too. One day you get bored while studying for finals and then enxt thing you know you jsut sent somebody 50 bumper stickers. Its like Christmas for them. The problem is they now expect you to send them everyday. It's like a real relationship. And God forbid you send them to somebody else. In that way bumper stickers are a virus, like v.d. Although it doesn't burn as much...I hear.

3. Being friends with a club promoter
I happen to be friends with a club promoter who sends me literally 2 invitations a day to the Shy Lounge at Hofstra. And I'm sure people have similar problems. I mean its cool if you go to these clubs, but I don't even go to his college where this takes place. Granted I do want those five dollar tickets to see Soulja Boy and I know that if I mention your name they let me in for free, but I'd much rather spend two hours a day delting your fucking messages then ever go to your club. Still, I am friends with him because I love the attention.

2. Top friends
How many fights has this caused? Its like the prom bus seating all over again.

1. My mother is on Facebook
I set her to limited profile, but really... Actually my mother could also be my boss or my teacher or anybody of importance. Its not safe to be on Facebook while you have a job or go to school or ever want to do any of those things. The fact is people can see your profile and anything up there people can see. So there are two responsible things you can do: Change your name on Facebook by one letter or use your friends name.

People who deserve a swift kick to the nuts.

I never have been really good at titles, so I figure I'd be straightforward. In theory this is just going to be a list of those schmucks that we all know deserve a kick in the nuts: You know, like those crazy soccer moms and people that smell...poorly. However, I may actually start kicking people in real life. That remains to be seen. But now its time for the list. Oh, and if your wondering how exactly you kick a woman in the nuts, stop being so literal and learn to take a fucking metaphor.

P.S. Please send me more example of people you want to kick in the nuts: funnygerp03@gmail.com

1. People who explain scenes to blind people in the movies, and the blind people who listen.
Really, do you have to go to the movies? I mean I understand if its some documentary or some old movie you saw when you had your sight, but thats it. I don't want to be forced to hear you describe in detail the intense fight scenes of Kung Fu Panda. I know I'm being a little insensitive but I paid $10.50 for this movie and I don't feel like I need your wife narrating. So, if you see this happen, just kick the guy in the nuts. Or kick his wife if he has a dog with him.

Publish Post

2. People who drive way too slowly.
I know its sunday afternoon and you just came back from church, Grandma. But do you have to go 15 mph the whole way back. I have three pizzas and some beer in my car and that Giants game isn't gonna watch itself. I mean I will run you off the road, off the record, of course. I like to include off the record, this way the D.A. can't prosecute me. Its a little game we play. But back to Grandma, I know when you were young cars didn't even go 10 mph, but why don't you either catch up with the times or tear up your license. You can get your grandson to do the latter for you, considering your hands aren't strong enough and the fact that you probably have no energy after that swift kick to your metaphorical, hopefully, nuts.

3. Guys who cut a pizza pie into unequal slices.
Why do you do this? You know how much math and preparation goes into ordering a pizza? First you have to see who is hungry. Then how much they are gonna eat. Then how man pies to get. And all of this goes on the assumption that everybody gets an equal slice. For example, you have three guys. One's a pussy, can only eat two. I split three with my friends. Next thing I know the guy that gets two gets the two big pieces because he only got two, while I'm hungry and get midget slices. Do us all a favor, and slow the fuck down. Pizza's a circle. Cut in half a few times. Do that or I'll kick you in the nuts.

4. People who smack their gum.
What is this? If you don't chew your gum with your mouth open, then don't chew it at all. I don't need to hear you enjoying your gum. I'll take your word for it. And by the way, it makes it hard to concentrate during class. So for every time you smack your gum, I will kick you. Maybe the gum will come out, too. That's a plus.

5. People who whistle too much.
We get it, you're so happy you need to whistle. Well, I'm not. I have an eight page paper to write and I don't need to hear your spin on jingle bells in d minor. It's distracting and unnecessary. And trying to listen to a song with these guys makes you want to kick them in the nuts. So, why don't you just go outside an whistle in the rain, like your in some classic Disney movie. And when you go, maybe forget a coat.

6. Girls who always think people are checking them out.
We all know these girls. They wear slutty clothes and walk around like they own the place. Well, I have a message for you girls: we are looking. We look a lot. But only if your hot. This post is for the ugly to mid-range homely girls who look like sluts. I know your "associates", the "hot" ones, you know, with the asymmetrical breasts, do catch some glares, but you don't. So don't accuse me of staring because I'm not. But you can accuse me of the swift kick to your balls, or your tits if you want me to try and straighten them out.

7. The executives of every network that refuse to allow Billy Mays to become a network anchor.
The guy is a gold mine. I mean if he sold Shamwows, instead of that guy who looks like he has luekemia, then I might not be owning any paper towels right now. But thats beside the point. Actually, that is the point. The point is Billy Mays could sell a Jewish woman a marriage license, even if the guy was only an internest. Just imagine Billy Mays as a news anchor. Granted he would try and sell you the news, but he'd be nice about it: he'd slash a payment and throw in a free fondue set along with the headline stories. But in all seriousness, this guy would be great. So listen up, network executives, you should take my advice. Or I'll kick you in the balls. Your choice.

8. People that don't eat pizza crusts deserve to get kicked in the balls. Really, this should be number one, because not eating crust is reserved for five year old girls, the same girls who only eat the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. Firstly, crust make the pizza. If I could order just crust, I might. Of course, that's basically bread, not pizza. So, I do order that. Secondly, the worst is when, after everybody eats, that one guy goes, "I eat like nine slices," even though he didn't eat the crusts. Yeah, well, I had six and I win. The way I look at it, he didn't even eat one slice. Thirdly, nobody wants to look at the old crusts on your plate. That doesn't need any more explanation. These people should get kicked in the balls, especially if they are not five year old girls.

9. Guys who quote really obscure movie quotes from equally obscure movies, especially when out of context. No, I don't remember the part from the third Halloween movie when that guy makes that sound when he dies. And no I forgot that little quip from Grandma's Boy that no reasonable person would ever remember. They quote movie lines that even if you just watched the movie you would have no idea. Also, at least put it in context. If you do that, I'll only kick one of your balls. But it'll be the left one, which I hear is more sensitive. Your best bet is that I forget that my left is your right.