People who deserve a swift kick to the nuts.

I never have been really good at titles, so I figure I'd be straightforward. In theory this is just going to be a list of those schmucks that we all know deserve a kick in the nuts: You know, like those crazy soccer moms and people that smell...poorly. However, I may actually start kicking people in real life. That remains to be seen. But now its time for the list. Oh, and if your wondering how exactly you kick a woman in the nuts, stop being so literal and learn to take a fucking metaphor.

P.S. Please send me more example of people you want to kick in the nuts: funnygerp03@gmail.com

1. People who explain scenes to blind people in the movies, and the blind people who listen.
Really, do you have to go to the movies? I mean I understand if its some documentary or some old movie you saw when you had your sight, but thats it. I don't want to be forced to hear you describe in detail the intense fight scenes of Kung Fu Panda. I know I'm being a little insensitive but I paid $10.50 for this movie and I don't feel like I need your wife narrating. So, if you see this happen, just kick the guy in the nuts. Or kick his wife if he has a dog with him.

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2. People who drive way too slowly.
I know its sunday afternoon and you just came back from church, Grandma. But do you have to go 15 mph the whole way back. I have three pizzas and some beer in my car and that Giants game isn't gonna watch itself. I mean I will run you off the road, off the record, of course. I like to include off the record, this way the D.A. can't prosecute me. Its a little game we play. But back to Grandma, I know when you were young cars didn't even go 10 mph, but why don't you either catch up with the times or tear up your license. You can get your grandson to do the latter for you, considering your hands aren't strong enough and the fact that you probably have no energy after that swift kick to your metaphorical, hopefully, nuts.

3. Guys who cut a pizza pie into unequal slices.
Why do you do this? You know how much math and preparation goes into ordering a pizza? First you have to see who is hungry. Then how much they are gonna eat. Then how man pies to get. And all of this goes on the assumption that everybody gets an equal slice. For example, you have three guys. One's a pussy, can only eat two. I split three with my friends. Next thing I know the guy that gets two gets the two big pieces because he only got two, while I'm hungry and get midget slices. Do us all a favor, and slow the fuck down. Pizza's a circle. Cut in half a few times. Do that or I'll kick you in the nuts.

4. People who smack their gum.
What is this? If you don't chew your gum with your mouth open, then don't chew it at all. I don't need to hear you enjoying your gum. I'll take your word for it. And by the way, it makes it hard to concentrate during class. So for every time you smack your gum, I will kick you. Maybe the gum will come out, too. That's a plus.

5. People who whistle too much.
We get it, you're so happy you need to whistle. Well, I'm not. I have an eight page paper to write and I don't need to hear your spin on jingle bells in d minor. It's distracting and unnecessary. And trying to listen to a song with these guys makes you want to kick them in the nuts. So, why don't you just go outside an whistle in the rain, like your in some classic Disney movie. And when you go, maybe forget a coat.

6. Girls who always think people are checking them out.
We all know these girls. They wear slutty clothes and walk around like they own the place. Well, I have a message for you girls: we are looking. We look a lot. But only if your hot. This post is for the ugly to mid-range homely girls who look like sluts. I know your "associates", the "hot" ones, you know, with the asymmetrical breasts, do catch some glares, but you don't. So don't accuse me of staring because I'm not. But you can accuse me of the swift kick to your balls, or your tits if you want me to try and straighten them out.

7. The executives of every network that refuse to allow Billy Mays to become a network anchor.
The guy is a gold mine. I mean if he sold Shamwows, instead of that guy who looks like he has luekemia, then I might not be owning any paper towels right now. But thats beside the point. Actually, that is the point. The point is Billy Mays could sell a Jewish woman a marriage license, even if the guy was only an internest. Just imagine Billy Mays as a news anchor. Granted he would try and sell you the news, but he'd be nice about it: he'd slash a payment and throw in a free fondue set along with the headline stories. But in all seriousness, this guy would be great. So listen up, network executives, you should take my advice. Or I'll kick you in the balls. Your choice.

8. People that don't eat pizza crusts deserve to get kicked in the balls. Really, this should be number one, because not eating crust is reserved for five year old girls, the same girls who only eat the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. Firstly, crust make the pizza. If I could order just crust, I might. Of course, that's basically bread, not pizza. So, I do order that. Secondly, the worst is when, after everybody eats, that one guy goes, "I eat like nine slices," even though he didn't eat the crusts. Yeah, well, I had six and I win. The way I look at it, he didn't even eat one slice. Thirdly, nobody wants to look at the old crusts on your plate. That doesn't need any more explanation. These people should get kicked in the balls, especially if they are not five year old girls.

9. Guys who quote really obscure movie quotes from equally obscure movies, especially when out of context. No, I don't remember the part from the third Halloween movie when that guy makes that sound when he dies. And no I forgot that little quip from Grandma's Boy that no reasonable person would ever remember. They quote movie lines that even if you just watched the movie you would have no idea. Also, at least put it in context. If you do that, I'll only kick one of your balls. But it'll be the left one, which I hear is more sensitive. Your best bet is that I forget that my left is your right.