Random

That whole joke people make about why there is brail on the drive-through ATM is not funny. Obviously, all ATMs have brail on them. The drive-through are the same as the ones everywhere else, so why would somebody waste time designing buttons without brail on them? Also, what if a bank moes the ATM outside? What would be weird was if the drive-through ATMs did not have brail on them.

The Three Assholes at a Summer Barbecue

Everybody pretty much loves being at barbecues, but some people just ruin the experience. That is, they take it way too seriously.

1. Grill Master

The people that actually know how to grill are probably cool, laid-back guys. They are at a summer party with their friends and the last thing they want is to barbecue all day. So the mantle of the self-proclaimed Grill Master always goes to some dipshit who can't even cook. Like they don't even know how to turn the fucking grill on. It's usually some drunk chick who wants to be cool or a fat guy who thinks that being fat is a pre-req for culinary skills.

I was at a party and this lady tried cooking hamburgers without closing the lid on the grill. It's not a fucking skillet, you whore. I was so pissed, but I can't say anything because by that point they are the "Grill Master." Everything they do is flawless and even though they can't cook they dish out orders more than they dish out edible food. They always need cheese which is funny because these guys always ask people "hamburger or cheeseburger?" And they always make moe hamburgers. Listen, this isn't some fucking five year olds pre-school graduation where the kids hate cheese. It's like in school at ice cream parties they only get vanilla or chocolate. What, we can't agree on some fucking cookies and cream? Stop making hamburgers. If somebody wants a hamburger, they can take off the cheese. They have enough cheese on their vagina as it is so they don't nee anymore.

And I love how these people always ask how you want your burger cooked, like it makes any difference. It all ends up being some overcooked shit-fest because one asshole in the crowd likes his burgers tasting and looking like burnt tires. And the griller doesn't know he can take the burgers off at different times. Fucking nitwits. This is why I hate barbecues.

The Fire Guy

This is a position held exclusively for guys. Now, I don't have a problem with a guy trying to hit on a girl, but don't be a douche when you do it. This guy comes along with some girl he just met and tries to fuck with the fire we are all standing around. Now, this guy doesn't ever light the fire. He was too busy pretending to like Glee to do that. No, but he does have some invaluable information: "throw some more wood on." And that is exactly what he does. Like nobody around the fire realized that this "wood," or whatever he called it, this strange substance, helps this fire happen. Listen guy, not everybody was in the boy scouts for two years until your cubmaster molested you, but we know how a fucking fire works. This girl isn't gonna suck you off because you either smothered our fucking fire or added enough wood to extend its life. And I'm not staying out till three in the morning because you add more wood. So just play flip cup and finish your natty lite.

The DJ

This isn't for the actual DJ that a real party might have. Although they can get annoying as well. I once heard a DJ at a bar declare that every song was, "For the Ladies!" This is the guy with his maxed out iPod who thinks that the party is his own bedroom. Stop playing Oasis and stop playing Third Eye Blind. We all love them but they are over-played. And stop with the Eastern European techno-garbage that you get sodomized to. Just let the music play its course and stop changing songs every 30 seconds.

Compass Directions

I think that compass directions are all a big conspiracy. Never in my life have I been going down a highway and actually known which direction I've been going. I'm like the guy in City Slickers who thinks that when you go up a mountain you are going north. Anyway, it's a big conspiracy because every time I get directions people always name drop words like west and east. I think they make it up. They might be like Indian trackers or something because I cannot determine which direction I am facing without a compass...and I don't even know how to use that.

Goodbyes and Stuff

Alright, the title of this article sucks. I never really had a knack for naming things anyways (but I did have a knack for alliteration). Anyway, I wanted to discuss this issue because it really pisses me off. Let me set up a scenario so you can follow along. Okay, so your at a party drinking wine coolers or stoli-o's or whatever gay shit my readers drink. I drink guiness, pussies. So your friend's brother, for example, is gonna pick you up soon, says your friend, so you say goodbye to everybody. Now there are a few ways to say goodbye. I usually just leave and hope everybody was so drunk they don't notice if I say goodbye or not. The next best thing is the group goodbye. Just yell out goodbye really loudly and keep nodding to everybody as you leave. So yo say goodbye and leave the house and just then your friend says, "hey, ummm, my bro isn't gonna be here for like ten more minutes." And its always for some stupid excuse: "yeah, my bro needed to jerk off real quick before he got us. He got really turned on watching BBC America and needed a minute." So now you can stay out in the cold or go back in and deal with the most awkward moment ever. If you walk in, you always do that thing where you keep your head low and try not to talk to anybody. Now you are an outsider. You already said goodbye and it's like your some douche bag doing a crappy job crashing someone's party. You can't say hello or else you have to repeat your goodbyes and explain why you came back in, which sucks. You motion to everybody that sees you and do that little nod where you mutter some incoherent blurb about your ordeal. Either way, if they understand you or not, it's and awkward situation. Also, you do that weird dance where you don't know whether to take a seat or stand, so you move between the two. You think, "if I sit, he may be here soon. But I don't know how long till then...." And by now you don't have a bear so you're fiddling with shit with your empty hands. This is where the phrase, "standing with your dick your hand" comes from. You were probably just whispering to your friend, whose brother is gonna drive you two. You talked in the corner together and in no way looked really awkward doing. And the worst is when your ride finally comes you don't know whether you have to say goodbye or not, regardless of whether you reintroduced yourself. It's pretty much a shitty situation. I would recommend just leaving. Luckily for me I stay out in the cold because I'm not going back in that house for anything...unless I can steal some more food.

Rules for girls when watching porn with your boyfriend

These are rules for girls about their behavior when watching porn with your boyfriend. By reading this, I assume that you have already decided that you are cool watching with him and that nothing could possible go wrong. I want you to admit that's a huge lie. Girls get upset of small things such as toilet seats and missing birthdays. You might think it's fun but the real reason you are watching is to spy on your man and see what it is about you he doesn't like (tell me I'm wrong). But men are simple and combining sex with, well, sex doesn't seem like a bad idea. But since you agree to watch you have to follow some rules because your man doesn't know this is a trick and that's not fair. So, make your judgments, but keep them to yourselves; and follow these rules.
1. Don't ask us how on earth we can think that girl with the huge boobs is so attractive.
Men like boobs and she has a loot of boobage going on. End of story. I'm sorry that this makes you feel insecure in that area under your boobs (your heart). But if we cared about your heart more than your boobs, God would have put the boobs in the back.
2. Don't complain when we don't want to watch a scene with a guy in it.
I don't want you eying the star's wang, or the stunt cock for that matter. Me watching girls is different than you watching guys. You know this is true. Men are visual so we like porn. But girls are not and girls like people on a different level. Getting turned on to a guy is a lot more deep for woman so we don't want that. So shut up and watch Horny Lesbian School Teachers 19. Of course, they all went downhill after Jenna Jameson retired...
3. You are not allowed to ask if we saw this before and subsequently make fun of our extensive porn collection
Every single guy has porn. That is a definite. Your dad, your best guy friend, even your minister has porn (whether that porn is legal or moral is another question). If you want to watch our porn, then you have to realize that we have a lot of it. And yes, we are gonna watch something we like and probably have seen before so there are no twists. We don't want any shannagins happening that we don't know about. We don't want a goat showing up in the video or some midgets...most of the time
4. Don't talk to us during the porn
Yeah the story line sucks but it's a fantasy. Stop ruining the suspension of disbelief. All guys want to think that the girl he is selling his house to or the cop about to arrest him wants to have sex. We know it's not the truth but let us believe it. We lie to you and say you look nice all the time.
5. If I want to take over manual control (of my penis), then you sit there while I just watch without your help
You can pretend you are in the scene or make yourself useful and get some food. I just remembered how awesome this scene is and I'd rather take the lead from here.
Disclaimer: Kim, some guy hacked into my site and wrote this. I have nothing to do with this.

People who give out minimal amonts of change (Horrible Title, I know)

This something that I really need to address because I don't know if it's just me who feels this way. Most of the time, in any situation, it's usually only me who finds something funny. But I wanna run this by everybody. Okay, so here it is: You're on the road with your dad, maybe going to New Jersey (I don't know why), or Cooper's Town (or is it Coopers Town?). Either way, he sends you into a store to pick up some gum and maybe a pack of smokes (even though your only 8...). So you end up with a laundry list of ten items and he gives you a five dollar bill, and asks for change. And you're like, I don't even have enough for half those things. Of course you probably run out of the store while paying and he gives you one of those grunts/looks, perhaps he thinks you're pocketing the change, and gives one dollar more. I literally have done this four times until I could buy a buttered roll, some water, and a doritos. But the worst is when that five is enough and you come back to the car and your dad, or whoever, has the face that says, "I told ya."

Cool things to learn/pick-up/do right away during the summer

Alright, its been a while since I last posted because school's been nuts. Really, school has got to calm down and get over itself. But I figure I should start writing in my blog again because people actually say they read it, and what better time to start than finals week? Scratch that. I'm writing now because I'm desperately looking forward to this summer because something tells me that my first summer being in college is gonna be great. But I can't squander it by not doing anything, so Iv'e compiled a list of 5 cool things to learn/pick-up/do right away during the summer months so I can say that I did something with my summer.

5. Get a great Bob Dylan impersonation
Granted, impersonating Bob Dylan won't get you laid, but its a neat trick. Actually, if you do get laid doing this impression than you're not doing a good enough impression. But seriously, this would be a great thing to accomplish. Of course, I'm gonna have to learn all the words to some songs, and his lyrics can drag on. As another note, go by the name Robert Zimmerman and see if your friends catch on. If they don't know who that is and they just think you're a Jewish man with a crazy voice, then they're already half-way there.

4. Enter a vegetative state
School has been really hard. I pray for those days in high school when a tough week was two tests and maybe a quiz. Granted, choosing a bus for prom may have given me an ulcer, but high school wasn't all that bad. So to reclaim all the time in college that I've wasted doing homework and neglecting my XBox, I am really just going to sit in my bed for a week and not do anything at all. I mean I'll get up to go to the bathroom, get stuff to eat, and go to parties, but that's it. If I even have to look at a book, it's gonna be the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit magazine that, for some weird reason, I haven't been able to read in my dorm...(thanks, Matt). But what I'm really gettting at is that I need to relax, free my mind up, and resubsribe to some old sites(thanks, Matt, again). I hope you catch my meaning.
P.S. Matt is my roomate...who never leaves.

3. Start a cockfighting professional circuit
Okay, this has to be by far my best idea. I'd put it at number one, but I jsut thought of it and I don't want to forget it. So, I'll pretend its the third best thing. Anyway, how awesome would this be? Really freakin' awesome. I'm sure if I put an ad out on Craig's List that I could get at least one, maybe two people to come over. And it starts from there. From what I've heard, cockfighting is a word of mouth industry. Sooner or later I may jsut have to rent out an abandoned wearehouse to peddle my craft. Of course, the point here is to make money. Killing chickens is pretty fucked up. But if worse comes to worse, the cops find out and I get a fine. Still, that's not gonna happen. People may ask, where am I going to get all these chickens. My response, BYOC.

2. Doing every Where's Waldo Book
This has been a long time coming, ever since I was a boy. Finally, when I find that bastard and his gay Wizard friend in all of their hiding spots, I will have completed a childhood dream. "Hey, Jordan, do you know where Waldo is?" "Pseesh, yeah. Check out behind the treehouse." Of course, if I could somehow turn this into a party trick or something uselful, then this might actuall be worth doing. When I see a Where's Waldo book I can just say, "Yes."

1. Edit really obscure Wikipedia articles and see if people notice
How many term papers will this mess up?

So, that's my list. Of course, I may not do any of those things, except for finding Waldo. But that isn't the point. The point here is that, well, I guess there isn't one. I jsut put a whole bunch of random things in a semi-coherent list and hoped it was funny. So, that's the point, then.