Kevin Bacon

Seeing Kevin Bacon in a movie is like seeing your friend in a movie.  He is a great actor but you're like, "How did Kevin get on stage?  I just saw him last week."  Then you tell your friends, "Hey, guess who I just saw in a movie?  Kevin Bacon.  Yeah, I think we had shop together."

Random

I still don't understand how girls pee. Like where does it come out of?

Reasons I hate Pedophiles

Now, of course I hate pedophiles for hogging molesting all the children, but here are the real reasons:

1. Can't be nice to a kid. i.e. offer him money at a vending machine if he doesn't have enough.

2. Can't say, "I love children" without a twenty-minute clarification.

3. People can't own white vans anymore.

4. Playing a game of baseball with the neighborhood kids is illagal.

5. Afraid to give out candy at Halloween.

6. Can't watch the Disney Channel anymore; the government screens that.

7. When kids run around naked you think it's a trap set-up by the FBI.

Random

That whole joke people make about why there is brail on the drive-through ATM is not funny. Obviously, all ATMs have brail on them. The drive-through are the same as the ones everywhere else, so why would somebody waste time designing buttons without brail on them? Also, what if a bank moes the ATM outside? What would be weird was if the drive-through ATMs did not have brail on them.

The Three Assholes at a Summer Barbecue

Everybody pretty much loves being at barbecues, but some people just ruin the experience. That is, they take it way too seriously.

1. Grill Master

The people that actually know how to grill are probably cool, laid-back guys. They are at a summer party with their friends and the last thing they want is to barbecue all day. So the mantle of the self-proclaimed Grill Master always goes to some dipshit who can't even cook. Like they don't even know how to turn the fucking grill on. It's usually some drunk chick who wants to be cool or a fat guy who thinks that being fat is a pre-req for culinary skills.

I was at a party and this lady tried cooking hamburgers without closing the lid on the grill. It's not a fucking skillet, you whore. I was so pissed, but I can't say anything because by that point they are the "Grill Master." Everything they do is flawless and even though they can't cook they dish out orders more than they dish out edible food. They always need cheese which is funny because these guys always ask people "hamburger or cheeseburger?" And they always make moe hamburgers. Listen, this isn't some fucking five year olds pre-school graduation where the kids hate cheese. It's like in school at ice cream parties they only get vanilla or chocolate. What, we can't agree on some fucking cookies and cream? Stop making hamburgers. If somebody wants a hamburger, they can take off the cheese. They have enough cheese on their vagina as it is so they don't nee anymore.

And I love how these people always ask how you want your burger cooked, like it makes any difference. It all ends up being some overcooked shit-fest because one asshole in the crowd likes his burgers tasting and looking like burnt tires. And the griller doesn't know he can take the burgers off at different times. Fucking nitwits. This is why I hate barbecues.

The Fire Guy

This is a position held exclusively for guys. Now, I don't have a problem with a guy trying to hit on a girl, but don't be a douche when you do it. This guy comes along with some girl he just met and tries to fuck with the fire we are all standing around. Now, this guy doesn't ever light the fire. He was too busy pretending to like Glee to do that. No, but he does have some invaluable information: "throw some more wood on." And that is exactly what he does. Like nobody around the fire realized that this "wood," or whatever he called it, this strange substance, helps this fire happen. Listen guy, not everybody was in the boy scouts for two years until your cubmaster molested you, but we know how a fucking fire works. This girl isn't gonna suck you off because you either smothered our fucking fire or added enough wood to extend its life. And I'm not staying out till three in the morning because you add more wood. So just play flip cup and finish your natty lite.

The DJ

This isn't for the actual DJ that a real party might have. Although they can get annoying as well. I once heard a DJ at a bar declare that every song was, "For the Ladies!" This is the guy with his maxed out iPod who thinks that the party is his own bedroom. Stop playing Oasis and stop playing Third Eye Blind. We all love them but they are over-played. And stop with the Eastern European techno-garbage that you get sodomized to. Just let the music play its course and stop changing songs every 30 seconds.

Compass Directions

I think that compass directions are all a big conspiracy. Never in my life have I been going down a highway and actually known which direction I've been going. I'm like the guy in City Slickers who thinks that when you go up a mountain you are going north. Anyway, it's a big conspiracy because every time I get directions people always name drop words like west and east. I think they make it up. They might be like Indian trackers or something because I cannot determine which direction I am facing without a compass...and I don't even know how to use that.

Goodbyes and Stuff

Alright, the title of this article sucks. I never really had a knack for naming things anyways (but I did have a knack for alliteration). Anyway, I wanted to discuss this issue because it really pisses me off. Let me set up a scenario so you can follow along. Okay, so your at a party drinking wine coolers or stoli-o's or whatever gay shit my readers drink. I drink guiness, pussies. So your friend's brother, for example, is gonna pick you up soon, says your friend, so you say goodbye to everybody. Now there are a few ways to say goodbye. I usually just leave and hope everybody was so drunk they don't notice if I say goodbye or not. The next best thing is the group goodbye. Just yell out goodbye really loudly and keep nodding to everybody as you leave. So yo say goodbye and leave the house and just then your friend says, "hey, ummm, my bro isn't gonna be here for like ten more minutes." And its always for some stupid excuse: "yeah, my bro needed to jerk off real quick before he got us. He got really turned on watching BBC America and needed a minute." So now you can stay out in the cold or go back in and deal with the most awkward moment ever. If you walk in, you always do that thing where you keep your head low and try not to talk to anybody. Now you are an outsider. You already said goodbye and it's like your some douche bag doing a crappy job crashing someone's party. You can't say hello or else you have to repeat your goodbyes and explain why you came back in, which sucks. You motion to everybody that sees you and do that little nod where you mutter some incoherent blurb about your ordeal. Either way, if they understand you or not, it's and awkward situation. Also, you do that weird dance where you don't know whether to take a seat or stand, so you move between the two. You think, "if I sit, he may be here soon. But I don't know how long till then...." And by now you don't have a bear so you're fiddling with shit with your empty hands. This is where the phrase, "standing with your dick your hand" comes from. You were probably just whispering to your friend, whose brother is gonna drive you two. You talked in the corner together and in no way looked really awkward doing. And the worst is when your ride finally comes you don't know whether you have to say goodbye or not, regardless of whether you reintroduced yourself. It's pretty much a shitty situation. I would recommend just leaving. Luckily for me I stay out in the cold because I'm not going back in that house for anything...unless I can steal some more food.